Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

   Santa: I can't wait for the cookies I'm gonna get in Colorado.

   If a woman sends me a "Hey there, good lookin" message, you can be assured she sent it to five other guys too. Kidding. She sent it to me by mistake.

   Prepare yourself. The family Christmas pajama pics are headed your way.

   I went to buy a set of salad plates. I asked the saleslady at Ross if they had any 8" plates. She said, "Plates are like men." I asked, "How so?" She goes, "They say 8", but they're actually 6".

   The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

   When I was a little kid I was under so much pressure when Smokey the Bear said "Only YOU can prevent forest fires!" until my mother explained that I really didn't have to do it alone.

   Wash your hand long enough to pray

   How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   Deleting my Facebook soon = Please give me attention and ask me why I'm deleting my Facebook account and beg for me to stay so I can feel important.

   Two new ice cream flavors. Chocolate Chip Happens, and Stay The Fudge Home

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   Lego is offensive to people with bad knees.

   Joey Chestnut set another world record for eating the most hot dogs in the Nathan's Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Tomorrow, he'll win the record for the biggest dump.

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   ..... Too many of us are not living our dreams because we are living our fears

   America: love it or leave it. L left.

   Friendly Reminder: a woman that hits a man is not a woman, she's a grown up child.

   Mick Jagger a Father again? Really? Has he ever been a father before? I think s p e r m donor would be more appropriate