Funny Status Messages
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Now that I am woke and want to make amends for my hateful act of being born white, I want reparations for all the money I spent at Pottery Barn over the years. 
The Weeknd should change his name to Monday Morning 'cause that's how bad he s_cks.
Amazon, quit fluctuating your prices all the time. sincerely- your customer!
If you think Amy Schumer is either hot or funny, you're what's wrong with America....
Pretending that looters, rioters, assaulters and arsonists are "peaceful protesters" does not make you look like a sympathizer. It makes you look like an id!ot..
boys are like slinkies...useless but fun to watch fall down stairs
It's ok Sweden, a silver is still better than what the Americans got.
Ever since I found those "Free Kittens" ads on Craigslist it's saved me a lot of money feeding my boa constrictor.
You wanted Obama's birth certificate...well we want Sarah Palin's High School diploma
Hey, Windows 8..... YOU SUCK... I should have bought a Mac...
This coconut water tastes like I'm a stuck-up snob who enjoys wasting money on health scams... Acai smoothies, anyone?
BREAKING NEWS: Vladimir Putin moves two Boy Scout Troops to the Russian/Polish boarder. France surrendered
The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!
. Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men ... woman
just added a guy on facebook named "emon", just so I could Poke Emon
I love getting all these "you are soo funny"!" You make me laugh so much!!" Yeah well I can make you moan also status king blah
how do you lose a war against a country that is not even formed yet? I do not know but just ask a Brit.
wondering what to do for valentines day......... other than get drunk and listen to Joy Division while engaging in auto erotic asphyxiation to a discovery channel documentary regarding the breeding habits of the Fiordland Crested Penguin.
I want to make a Facebook account and the name will be Nobody so when I see stupid crap people post, I can Like it. And it will say Nobody Likes This.
Top 5 causes of loose stools: 5. Indian food 4. Lactose 3. Coffee 2. Mexican food 1. IKEA 