Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just bought a Birthday cake. It's not my Birthday, I just wanted cake.

   I love your eyes, but I love mine more...because without them, I won't see yours.

   are there actually people out there who make their beds every morning or is that just a myth

   JAB, LMAO, Justine* Bieber wants to be taken seriously, Seriously ha ha ha. . .

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   No officer my speech isn't slurred, i'm just talking in cursive.

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   I went to the shrink coz I've been talking to myself. He asked if I had any stress, told him no. He said, "Don't worry about it then...millions of people talk to themselves." I said, "Yeah, but I'm really boring."

   I saved a lot of money this Christmas by switching to single....

   that lesbo teacher from Glee would be more believable as Jack Reacher than Tom Cruise. At least she's 6'3"!!

   Never say never? False. You just said it twice.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place and they are good to go

   I've been practicing making sandwiches with handcuffs on because I like to be prepared.

   Lance Armstrong admitted to Oprah he was Manti Te'o's fake girlfriend.

   The most embarrassing thing for Lance Armstrong is admitting he took performance-enhancing drugs to ride around on a children's toy.

   This Jack n Coke tastes like assault charges.

   I hate when a stranger smiles at me and I have to smile back and pretend I'm not dead inside.

   I wish that stupid meteorite would have hit my place of work during my day off.

   Hey Jonah,,, Next time you’re swallowed by a whale, stand up through the blowhole like it’s a sunroof on a limo. Throw your arms up. Have some fun.

   this Mexican guy asked me if I'd seen his beach but we're 300 miles from the ocean...