Funny Status Messages
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Every time we say, "Let's pull an all-nighter!" Every time we fall asleep. 
Kraft is raising the price of Maxwell House Coffee 22%. Apparently their new motto will be “As expensive as Starbucks without the attitude.”
News Flash: Bears in Yosemite rejoicing over possible government shutdown.
Mutton Chops will never go out of style in my eyes.
Wow! The kids from Glee are all singing about accepting themselves for who they are, the autotuned cranked up to 10. Think about that. Take as much time as you need....
I wonder what the blood alcohol level is of all these mosquitos that keep biting me?
What Marshal isn't stealing from Dane Cook, he is stealing elsewhere.
Actually he is stealing almost all of it from msib
Guys.. never raise your hand to a woman... it leaves your groin exposed
Avoidant Personality Disorder (AVPD) is characterized by a hypersensitivity to criticism, intense self-loathing, and a strong desire for isolation.
You know in China, they just call it Food.
"You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar." So? You can catch even more with manure. What's your point?
Just got this text message, not sure if it's a prank:"Congratulations! You have won £250 of shopping vouchers or a night at an Elvis Presley tribute act. To claim your prize, press 1 for the money, 2 for the show..."
I once knew a group of friends, Ross, Joey, Chandler, Rachel, Monica and Phoebe but they're not there for me anymore.
I keep a frisbee in my truck just in case I get attacked by Phish fans.
that outstanding moment when he/she realizes you're right and won't respond to your text.
I'm so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn't apply to hymens.
This is the real me. Full of problems. Full of love. Full of lost. Full of hurt. Full of life. Full of hope. Full of happiness. Most of all.....Full of friends.
People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.
Its so hot squirrels are pouring Gatorade on their nuts 