Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How to make your girl feel special: 1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice. 2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

   This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

   I once said “a penny for your thoughts” to a girl and it cost me a dollar…

   Shout out to whoever got these gas prices down in July. now lets hit da two dollar mark.

   My parents were mimes. The "sex talk" was really awkward.

   Feminism is the belief that both sexes may become equal by focusing solely on one of them.

   n't it ironic that I hate math, but I love counting money.

   If I ever get Bieber fever, just let the fever kill me.

   If I got a dime for every time I didn't know what was going on, I'd be asking people why they're giving me dimes.

   I just thought of something that really sucks. How are you?

   Does anyone in this group know of an old couple or even a single old lady or man who will be eating alone this Christmas? I am having friends and relatives over and need to borrow a few chairs.

   [15 years from now] Son: Why is my sister named Paris? Dad: Because we conceived her in Paris. Son: Thanks, Dad. Dad: No problem, Quarantine.

   When you’re dead, you don’t know you’re dead. The pain is only felt by others. The same thing happens when you’re stupid

   After spending weeks in the house with my family during the quarantine, I now see Jack Nicholson's side of things in the Shining.

   20 years ago no one knew what gluten was. Now there are like three people left in the world who can eat a bagel

   I dream of a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

   Did you realize that "Go hang a salami. I'm a lasagna hog" is a palindrome?

   Date a woman with outstanding warrants. That way, she can't call the police on you. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   I really cant walk the walk or talk the talk. But if you need someone to drink the drink, I'm your man.

   Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute?