Funny Status Messages

   Whenever I get a phone call that reads, "Unknown Name" on the caller ID, I have to resist the urge to answer, "Mitchell's Abortion Clinic, you make it, we scrape it, no fetus will beat us. How can I help you today?"

   the one who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shut up!

   "The meaning of the word Islam is 'submission' or 'surrender'. Which makes it surprising that's it's not a more popular religion in France."

   What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day and anal sex makes your hole weak...

   Does this mean Obama can blame Bush for the health care reform tax....After all it was Bush's appointment that was the swing vote.

   must be awkward for jesus to be the only white guy in the middle east

   God has a plan for every1.. if something is meant 2 be it's meant 2 be. Live ur life for today becuase you never know what tomorrow may bring. Tell the ppl you love that you love them, show the ppl you care bout that you care.. Life is 2 short 2 waste..

   Holy Wars are just arguments about who has a better imaginary friend.

   i hate when I wake up in the morning and Barack Obama is my president

   Don't ya hate it when ya interrupted during dinner!! Lady from the Sperm Bank just knocked asking for donations!! Boy, did I give her a mouthful!!

   .During the white house renovations. I hear that trump is having a microphone installed in the cushion of his chair in the oval office. It's so he can record any bright ideas he may come up with.

   Whitney Houston: Born 1963 - Dead Amy Winehouse: Born 1983 - Dead Keith Richards: Born 1943 - Alive Ozzy Osbourne: Born 1948 - Alive. Moral of the story: Women can't handle their drugs

   Math Quiz: 200,000 Syrian refugees x 10% estimated terrorists = how many ISIS terrorists? According to Obama's math education program, the answer is Zero

   Can you imagine being a speechwriter and having to anticipate that the President of the United States might not know how to pronounce big words like “Yosemite.”

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best!

   honoring Presidents Day, by enjoying some BUSH !

   Face down, ass up, that's the way babies often sleep. Adorable!

   Dear 6, Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you guys do some pretty nasty things. Sincerely, 7.

   Candy corn that has the chocolate bottom is an insult to Halloween and America.

   You ever seen someone so gay that you feared for his safety!