Funny Status Messages

   If I were of Chinese descend and a multi Millionaire. I would change my name to Cha Ching. . .

   FYI ... In 08 President Obama's "Just Words" speech was slammed for using the exact phrase from Mass. Gov Deval Patrick. Vice President Biden responded to the allegations by saying "Everybody does it!"

   It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One you will see after a while, whereas the other, you will see them later.

   Snorted 2 lines of pre-workout powder and now my apartment is decorated for Christmas..

   If Tim Tebow plays in the MLB, I hope it's for Anaheim. So after an 0-4 day, the headline will say: "Even Jesus Can't Save The Angels."

   [medusa's hotel maid, sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

   Just ate a cheese stick wrapped in salami that I bought from 7-11 but I still feel like I deserve God's love.

   It's almost Labor Day, so get out there and celebrate the sacrifice of others by drunk driving a boat.

   Female gladiators are known as gladiolas.... Trust me, I'm a gladiatorian.

   Ran out of mix an hour ago....drinking this rum straight out of the bottle like a BOSS!!!

   If every day is a gift, I want a refund for the crappy ones.

   Angelina Jolie has had her breasts removed, her ovaries removed, her Fallopian tubes removed....and a large Pitt.

   In this day of age of lawsuits and political correctness it is wise to add "Allegedly" at the end of any accusations you make.

   Let the arguments begin! Oh, debate? We're calling this a debate? Ok, my bad.

   I just apologized to a bug for killing it and I instantly became a Canadian citizen.

   It would be cool if Ariana Grande were really fat.

   Boss makes a dollar, while I make a dime. That's why I poop, on company time.

   "That's the spirit!" she said, picking her poltergeist out of a police lineup.

   Will no longer appear as "Husband on Sailboat" in a Viagra commercial due to a contract dispute. I'd appreciate privacy during this time.

   All I'm sayin is how do you expect your gluteus to be maximus,,, if you don't eat your bacon?