Funny Status Messages

   The closer I get to the toielt, the worse I have to go. It never fails

   My girlfriend told me that I need to be more ambitious and innovative.Now I have two girlfriends.

   So Valentines day is approaching...I got a new smokin hot outfit and I managed to secure the best table Monday night at Waffle House on Oneal....that's right...I'm gonna get some FO SHO!!

   I wish I had chocolate socks! It would make my foot-in-the-mouth problem less traumatic!

   i'm a much more lively person when I'm sh*tfaced

   Has decided to file a lawsuit against Trojan for royalties, my dad keeps telling me I'm the reason they invented condoms.

   I'm a cool mom, that's my thang. I'm hip, I surf the web, I text. LOL: laugh out loud, OMG: Oh My God and WTF: Why The Face

   thats why you get your drivers license photo taken when your drunk , that way you can tell the officer that your not drunk , you always look that way.

   It's extraordinary when a person comes in contact with a spider web or a bug lands on them, they become a Kung-Fu master.

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   living the dream ...one fist pump at a time

   Bleah and Latex Gloves: $10.. Plastic wrap, trash bags and duct tape: $20...Chainsaw: $200 The horrified look on the cashiers face: PRICELESS!"

   Everything funny has already been said. The End.

   A five year old asked, “Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was?” Mommy replied, “Yes, but only for a minute.”

   Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale

   why is everyone in love with their hair these days? I hate my hair ..cause it's so FREAKIN AWESOME!!

   my buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"

   One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain.

   Everything happens for a reason & sometimes it's better for us not to know that reason.

   Tone Loc arrested for domestic violence, he shouldn't of drank that Funky Cold Medina!