Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I must be very good at handling my credit card.... Each month the bank sends me a letter saying my credit card account is outstanding.

   Your girl is either gonna want to sit on your face or punch you in the face. No in between

   Starcents, it's like Starbucks only cheaper.

   A tv show for anyone over 40 called “So You Think You Can Hear”

   always use magnum condoms because they have enough room for couple of snacks for when you get tired.

   Kind of ironic that a basketball team from Oakland, CA would have GSW on their jerseys..

   I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   It's September...if you're Birthday is this month your parents started the new year with a bang...

   There's an easy way to convert your sofa into a sofabed...... Forget the wife's birthday.

   My last real fight was with a pizza box that wouldn't close.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   Halloween isn't the only day people have trouble desiding what to be.

   I t.hink I. mig.ht hav.e ina.dverte.ntly tak.en one .of my wif.e's bir.th c.ontrol pi.lls beca.use m.y perio.ds a.re irr.egu.lar

   Some mornings you just can't smell enough coffee. ☕️

   Money doesn't buy happiness! Hold on, let me finish scratching these Lotto tickets.

   I'm by no means an athlete, but I just did a perfect Triple Lutz getting out of my hammock

   people either say i'm "pretty funny" or "pretty smart" but they always forget the word "and"

   It's hotter outside than a Salma Hayek lap dance.