Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A penny saved is a girlfriend lost.

   When things sound reasonable ~ its time to up my medication.

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   thinking jelously gets you no where, so hurry up and get over it.

   Life is like a confused teacher... First she gives the test then she teaches the lesson

   "Few men have d natural strength to honour a friend's success without envy."

   being a politician is like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're f'ing them."

   I'm extending Halloween one MORE day for everyone. I talked to your boss, (s)he said no problem as long as you come to work in a slutty costume.

   'cyber' Monday is awesome I got like 3 dates lined up....also I think there was a sale online

   No, you can't not never ever use quadruple negatives. it's just bad grammer.

   The world writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, it's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

   A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.

   - Advice !! Something we seek as long as it`s an answer we wanted in the first place.... Like you want me to reaffirm your choice !!

   i'm tired...will you carry me to bed?

   's misery likes tequila, not company.

   wondering what they are saying behind my back

   Vegan hipsters wear ironic milk mustaches.

   This morning, a busty woman in an elevator tried to confront me. I was standing near the elevator operator, she kept starring at me and later said, "Would you please press 1?" So I did. I don't remember much afterwards

   Please don’t suggest a product to me that’s not available at Walmart.

   My last exam was a bigger failure than FOX's show, Son of Zorn.