Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dad called and said my mom accidentally took one of his men's vitamins. I go, "Yeah, so?" He said she's been bugging him to take her to Hooters but she won't let him Google the directions.

   I very much doubt God wants you to hate anyone.

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.

   A 17-year-old whose death was initially linked to the novel coronavirus despite not having any previously reported health conditions was denied treatment at a California medical facility. Very Commie of them.

   Looks like I’m going to have to buy toilet paper. That brush next to the toilet hurts.

   If your blow up doll develops a runny nose, she is not COVID positive; she's full.

   I broke up with my girlfriend. She has leprosy and I got tired of picking up after her.

   I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

   [listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm me: oh stephanie you’re better than this

   A Girl commented on my post, a guy replied, she replied again n they were abt 2 fall in Love so I deleted d post.

   Raisins are the Cougar of Grapes

   If you can't handle me at my [vomits] Then you don't deserve me at my [passes out]

   Morgan Freeman will be the narrator at his own trial.

   Did you know you don't need a parachute to skydive? You only need a parachute if you want to skydive twice...

   A married couple in their 60's gets a vist from a fairy. Who says I will grant each of you a wish. The wife wish for a 2nd honey moon. Poof. Two tickets on a luxury cruse liner appear Husband I'd like my wife to be 30 years younger than me Poof he's 92

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   I don't care what anybody else says. "You're a Mean One Mr. Grinch" is the greatest diss track ever written.

   Don't you hate it when someone is willing to take the credit when something is a success, but when it’s a FAILURE, it’s ALWAYS, somebody else’s fault?

   Still waiting on the "Once you go black, you never go back" episode of Mythbusters.

   We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January