Funny Status Messages
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Am I supposed to be more mature now that I'm older? Because "ILuvBigBoobs" is still pretty much my password for everything I have! 
If your lawyer has a ponytail .....your going to lose.$$$
What if that guy just found a mountain that looked like those presidents and then told everyone he carved it?
my GF and I have so much in common, she thinks I'm the best looking, kindest, smartest, best lover, most considerate, humblest, man in the world...and I agree
I had a dream that all the neglected MySpace Profiles came back and wanted vengeance.
I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all my missing socks.
If you never stuck a butterknife in the cable box to kind of see the porn channel then you never had a childhood.
Think I have cabin fever. Just broke out in shingles and little windows
Really tired of homeless people tweeting photos of the garbage they're about to eat.
Heads up Army Corps of Engineers: I just introduced something to the sewer system you may be dealing with shortly.
Look, I'm not saying the creators of yogi bear stole the idea but I am constantly bragging about how I'm smarter than the average bear. Coincidence??
i just went to town. these new cars have gps, satellite radio & a thing in the seat to warm your butt....turn signal seems to be optional
Found some kind of microchip implanted under my tongue. Cut it out with a knife. Blood everywhere. It also may be a cheerio
Fun Fact of the Day: Of the 236 episodes of the great show "Friends" Jennifer Aniston has 'pokies' in 217 of them.
Oh, you're dating my ex...I thought the five second rule was for food only...
It looks like your supermarket is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
No one ever explained the rules of Facebook poking. You can use it to poke a girl if you like her.. Or what if I poke another guy, it's like saying " hey homeboy , what's up?" hopefully he wouldn't it take it as a " hey homeboy, what's up buttercup :)"
No one ever gets tired of loving. They just get tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry & hurting.
Researchers at the Mayo Clinic have found a way to slow the aging process in mice. Because everyone hates old mice
I wish exams came with a "50/50" and a "phone a friend" option. 