Funny Status Messages
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A company is now selling bacon-scented deodorant. I hope Axe Body Spray doesn't come up with their own version... I'd really hate to see the women who'll mob you for THAT scent. 
Sorry I dropped it, but I only hold pretty babies.
If you got a big-screen TV for Christmas, be sure to put the empty box out with your neighbor's trash. That way, their house will get robbed instead of yours.
Relationship Status: Granny Panties
I knew the season was officially out of control when my dealer offered my pumpkin flavored crack...
Black Friday challenge: Buy American and buy small business. Otherwise you're complaining for nothing about big business.
When I was a kid my family was so poor that if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have and ANYTHING to play with.
Steven Tyler's mic stand has so many scarves on it that I always thought he was just screaming at Johnny Depp and trying to strangle him.
I was going to join the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but, I hear they deal with alot of pricks.
Time moves forward, things change. It can be hard. On the upside, there'll be way less dudes wearing the jacket from Drive this Halloween.
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
everyone is crazy but me and you and I'm beginning to wonder a little bit about you
The 4 stages of a relationship: 1. I like you 2. I love you 3. I hate you 4. Arson
I'm pretty sure that the devil on my shoulder secretly roofied the angel.
"Daddy, what happens when a person dies?" "Son, they get married and have kids"
Have you tried not taking another selfie?
I have 3 babysitting rules. 1. Don't touch my Oreos. 2. Don't bug me unless you're dying. 3. If you don't tell on me, I won't tell on you........
Act your age, act your wage. - Nicholas Cage
Covers on, too hot. Covers off, too cold. One foot out would probably be ok, but I don't wanna be dragged from bed 'paranormal-activity' style..
People with multiple personalities scare me. Speak for yourself b*tch. That's right, you heard him. 