Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never allow making a living to become such an obsession to where it prevents you from actually living.

   Vodka…deleting memories since…uhh….......

   New Spotify subscription: Crosby Stills Nash & Rogan

   Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chunky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.

   I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex. I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

   The people who doesn't believe we landed on the moon in 1969 are the same people who wears tin foil hats, thinking almost everything a is a conspiracy orchestrated by someone with nothing to do.

   Apparently splicing teflon into the genetic genome of humans really works!!! Just ask Hillary!

   Pres. Barack Obama arrives in Dallas where he is expected to deliver a highly personal and emotional speech at a memorial service for the 5 slain police officers. Obama will also find out who shot J.R. Ewing too.

   "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" ---- Melania Trump

   Lester Holts hairline was the real loser of the debate.

   I caught my wee brother sniffing my girlfriend’s knickers today. I didn’t have the heart to tell him I’ve been wearing them all week.

   Which tastes better, Coke or Pepsi? Neither. The answer is Beer.

   What's the difference between a Garbanzo Bean and a Chickpea? I never had a Garbanzo Bean on my face.

   Let’s change the Redskins name to DC Marvels!

   I don't usually play these games, but I'm bored. Fill in the blanks. Banks account #: Routing #: Name on debit card: Pin number #: CCV #: Expiration date:

   Police came to my house to tell me my dog chased someone on a bike. My dog doesn't even have a bike.

   All I want for Christmas is a stimulus check.

   How do you know if someone doesn't watch the Superbowl? Don't worry they'll announce it on Facebook!

   Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.

   Well, Kanye West did marry into the Kardashian’s so you can just imagine the levels of stupidity in that house