Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was not planning to buy a mattress today, but then I saw a kid twirling a sign like a helicopter and now all I want to do is buy a mattress

   Kids have middle names so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   From Jabba's point of view, Star Wars is about a guy who owed him a lot of money, but instead of paying he brought in a gang to murder him

   I'm drinking a Diet Coke because I ate a whole box of Pop Tarts for breakfast. I'm hoping this will neutralize it.

   The longer you wait for something, the more you appreciate it when you get it.

   BEEP! -Zebra walking past a self-service checkout.

   3 stages of marriage. 1.engagement ring. 2. wedding ring. 3. suffer ring.

   My wife was going wild in the sack last night. I eventually had to get up and let her out of it.

   Honey badgers aren’t as delicious as they sound

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   Dear Facebook, Please stop showing me ads for dating websites as I don't think hooking up with a complete stranger hoping to mingle in the middle of a pandemic would be a stellar idea. Thanks!

   I'm so old I remember when the UPS guy used to throw package on my porch and run away for no reason.

   My girlfriend told me I snored like a gorilla last night. I told her it’s because I suffer from sleep ape•nea.

   food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction ~Elena Gabrielle

   I'm hard at work writing song lyrics which center around my offering a ride to those asking to be taken to Funkytown.

   My daughter just found the dog leash and collar Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog

   If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first

   My philosophy? People who have creepy dungeons probably don't wear a watch. So, when a stranger asks for the time, I pepper spray them.

   Dear Netfix, Thanks for playing all these post apocalyptic pandemic movies where people get infected and eat each other helping lift my spirits knowing that things could always be worse!

   I’ve just been called weird by my son who won’t sleep without his giant 7 foot stuffed jalapeño right next to him