Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An optamist can easily be let down, but a pessamist will never be dissapointed.

   got food poisoning yesterday. Just not sure who to use it on yet.

   I haven't cooked for myself in a while, and that was a delicious peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

   Some women should just come with talk plans like my cell phone, because after to much conversation my MIND starts roaming!

   An angry mob of nerds can be dangerous. The only thing stopping them from tipping cars is physical ability.

   Don't drink and wrap presents. Also, if anyone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back...

   anybody else having trouble logging into my wife’s Facebook account?

   It’s going to be a lot harder to overthrow the US Government on Pinterest.

   So. . . Are they gonna use the NFL cardboard cutouts for an audience?

   Just give the Hedge Funds a 600 dollars check. They will be fine.

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   Got invited to 4 different Halloween parties how am I going to go to all of them you ask?? Easy.... I'm going as Hillary Clinton's emails...that way you won't find me

   I miss Rodney Dangerfield.... now there a great comedian.

   Have you ever been to Columbia ? 2 biggest exports are coffee and cocaine.. and the place still looks like crap. You're gonna be up all night anyways, pick up a broom once in a while.

   I feel like everyone at this farmers market not eating a McGriddle thinks they are better than me.

   After the debate last night and according to tradition we should have a long hard winter....Both Hillary and Donald saw their shadows.

   Fear of Corona is on the decline....... Release the Murder Hornets.

   I don't want our enemies to know what I am thinking, so I will keep my thought s between me and my millions of followers on twitter.

   If trump doesnt go to texas he is heartless, if he does go, he is taking valueable resources. I'm telling you it is a mental disorder.

   I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I'm Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.