Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ford is moving to mexico. you folks happy now

   Me: (Sneezes) Microchip in my left arm: Bless you

   "I laughed, I cried, then laughed, then cried, then laughed, then cried..." -Early reviews for 'The Bi-Polar Express'

   I need all my haters to do a favor for me real quick: Go plank on a machete.

   Have you ever noticed after reading some peoples notices that they are just trying to get noticed. I also noticed that no one sends them a notice that their notice wasn't worth noticing.

   My nieghbor told me she had the smartest dog in the nieghborhood. "He always gets my paper and my slippers for me". I told her "I know my dog told me and I can't get her to quit describing your dogs bad breath."

   I'm not drunk I'm just German

   Sometimes I think that my parents had me just so I could clean the house for them.

   i may be fat but I'm perfectly good at it, boobs on my chest but I like the look of it, fruit and veg may thin my legs, but chips and dips excite me.

   A woman in your arms, is worth two on the Net.

   Next time you're stuck in traffic, look at the cars around you. Spot the couples: 90% of them have a sad and lost look. Now, detect a couple where the guy looks happy and jolly, then take a good look at the girl next to him: she must be brand new!!

   When she asked me "What kind of idiot are you?" it took me awhile to realize it wasn't a Facebook quiz.

   My ex-wife seems to think she is a female version of Nostradamus. Before the divorce she predicted that I was going to pay for it, that I would never find love again, and that my world as I know it was going to end... a year and half later I'm a belliever

   wonders if there are gay terrorists. "Hey, Mr. Embassy man... two snaps ka-boom!"

   A lady's picking through the frozen turkeys and says to a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" they says, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

   passed a homeless guy on the way to the Coinstar machine today. "Sorry, I have no change"...man was that awkward.....

   : What's Klingon for "I'm going to die a virgin?"

   Only great, awesome, wonderful people can read this. And only the truly gifted can actually comment on it!

   its right what they say fruit is good for constipation. I got my phone bill this morning from orange and I nearly s**t myself.

   loves animals... especially in gravy