Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

   I’m so hungry, I could eat a buttered monkey

   some people write LOCKDOWN cuz they can't spell KWARANTEEN!!

   Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.

   BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.

   Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

   Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.

   Just say Donald Trump's 2015 tax return. He made $38,000 in salary and extra $2 billion in pre-taxed "tips".

   Grandma told me good girls always eat a banana with a knife and folk

   The Pentagon now allows Transgenders to serve in the military and get free sex changes ..... Heck .... Apparently you really can be All you can be!

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)

   .... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.

   Back in my day we had Presidential Candidates that acually believed in the Constitution. Nowadays they can't even spell the freakin' word.

   Sorry kids .... Bernie and Hillary are not really Pokemon Go characters

   BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.

   "I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.