Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How To Fit In At Work: Use fancy catch phrases like "at the end of the day."

   We didn't pay attention to each other before phones, we just hid it better...

   Having a basset hound is like having a teenage boy. He sleeps til noon, doesn't listen to me and his feet smell like corn chips.

   You think you're important.....and I think you should stop thinking

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   if anyone needs a hand with their kegel exercises, let me know.

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. Heck, I might buy one for that reason alone.

   I'm provaccine because the thought of having eight children and crossing my fingers that three make it to adulthood is so 1857.

   Your body is not a wonderland. It is a city park, at best.

   There's a time and place for hipster beards. That time is the Civil War and that place is a stockade in a Confederate camp.

   When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell.

   They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.

   I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.

   According to The Prophecy, today is my Hot Mess day.

   Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.

   I dunno.Was EVERYBODY Kung Fu fighting? Wasn't there at least one guy watching the door?

   May your July 4th fireworks cause less personal injury than your July 4th alcohol consumption.

   Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers every Independence Day.

   Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....