santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   In honor of Charles Dickens I am also going to be poor this Christmas

   I accidentally drank two energy drinks this morning and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

   I'd like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...

   We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated. Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

   I like it when my wife makes Christmas shopping easy. This year she said she wants a gun, Duct tape, some rope, and a large sturdy bag. Can't wait to see what she gets me!

   "So this is Christmas, and what have you done?" The start of a John Lennon song, or the wife about to start an argument?

   Gonna go lay under the Christmas tree to remind my family I'm a gift!!

   The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn't already hate you...

   Three phrases that sum up Christmas are: Peace on Earth, Goodwill to Men, and Batteries not Included.

   "Baby it's cold outside" is bad because it's about a guy is trying to get laid. "Santa Baby" is ok because it's about a girl trying to screw Santa. Got it.

   At Christmas time it's fun to take a new Lexus for a test drive, put a big red bow on it & pull into random people's driveways honking.

   I just saved a TON of money on Christmas presents by discussing politics on Facebook.

   Sorry if my phone keeps calling you, it's voice activated. I'm at the mall and everytime santa says Ho, Ho, Ho, it dials your number

   if you are posting how many days there are until Christmas in November, you should have to do all the dishes after Thanksgiving dinner.

   Just a Christmas reminder. Buy your kids a big pack of batteries and attach a card that says "Toys not Included".

   If you want to save some money, now might be a good opportunity to tell your kids that Santa did not survive the pandemic

   Christmas trees are like boobs...the fake ones are nice to look at... But the real ones are so much better

   I wonder if the Three Wise Men said to Jesus, "Just to be clear, these gifts are for your birthday AND Christmas."

   Dear Santa don't drink the milk at Bill Cosby's house!!!

   My Dad asked me what I wanted for Xmas tonight. I told him a gift certificate from Adam and Eve so I could get that swing set. He said he thought the kids were a bit old for it but he said he would look it up online. Boy is he in for a surprise.....