Funny Status Messages

   I got a mosquito bite last night... Bet that little guy is pretty hungover today.

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   It's funny how fast you can wake up when you realize you've overslept.

   So I met this prostitute who said she'd do anything for $10. Guess who got his car washed?

   Lazy Rule #19401957294710149: you're so lazy you didn't even finish reading the number.

   There is nothing worse than a broke ass high maintenance woman.

   If a car in front of me is driving slow, I move to the side a little so the cars behind me can see I'm not causing the traffic

   My Chinese waiter put my food down in front of another white guy who looked nothing like me. I get it now.............Wait, That's not my waiter

   Always remember that no matter how bad you are, you are not totally useless, you can still be used as a bad example.

   Crazy? I was crazy once. My parents locked me in a round room and told me to sit in the corner. Corner? I couldn't find a corner! That bugged me. Bugs? I hate bugs. They drive me crazy! Crazy? I was crazy once...

   whomever invented the metal wires, screws and clips that hold kids toys to the cardboard packaging with a vulcan death grip: I HOPE YOU DIE.

   The cops came to my house earlier, claiming that my dog had chased someone on a bike. I said "Piss off, my dog doesn't have a bike!"

   if you need a friend (text me) need a laugh (call me) need a hug (stop by) need money (this number is no longer in service)

   I like holding the door for people who are far away, you know so they have to run a little.

   Man...that is the last time I wash down an Ambien with Nyquil. According to the angry voicemail from my neighbors they were not happy about me dancing naked on my roof singing the ghostbusters theme song in Spanish. I don't even speak Spanish.

   Surviving this massive amount of "family time" by pretending they are mental patients and I'm their case manager.

   I miss being a kid. My only responsibilities were running around and laughing a lot. And someone else was in charge of my hair.

   I once had a goldfish that would hump the carpet, but only for about 30 seconds.

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.