Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was on a plane today. The stewardess said, "would you like some headphones?" I said, "sure, but how did you know my name was Phones?"

   I Dont Care If You're A Gangster, Pull Up Your Pants Please!

   Few things raise suspicion like a black guy in a Mercedes with a ski rack.

   The record companies have done a good job of fighting piracy by releasing music no one wants to steal.

   Please don't say "Firecracker". It's very offensive. It is a Fire Caucasian. Thank you.

   They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I've never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.

   says the sad part of being strong is that nobody bothers to ask when you're hurt.

   Better days are coming. They're called Saturday and Sunday.

   There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.

   I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway

   All I did was walk by an Abercrombie and Fitch and now my name is Trent, my shirt is off, and I'm really into shell necklaces.

   I like to keep bartenders on their toes by making up drinks on the spot. "Yeah, I'll take a Dirty Hammock."

   when I was a little kid, we didn't have cool video games to occupy us for hours... if I had a ROCK and a roll of CAPS...It was a Good Day!

   Helen Keller wrote 12 books and I just put my shirt on inside out.

   So you'll be able to buy Girl Scout Cookies online this year... Your move Weight Watchers...

   I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!

   Dont you hate it when you open a bag of chips and its half full?! Yeah, that's how us guys feel about push-up bras!!

   would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

   You think seven years is bad for breaking a mirror? Try breaking a condom.

   I'm going to spend Valentine's day with my ex..... Box 360