Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've reached the most difficult moment in parenting: explaining to my son why the first Star Wars movie is Episode 4.

   There's this app on my phone that makes me look ugly. It's called "Camera."

   How about adding "Be a nice person" to your bucket list. Any as*hole can jump out of a plane.

   Making a million friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a friend who will stand by you when millions are against you.

   glitter is the herpes of the arts and crafts world! You just can`t get rid of it once its on you

   Pessimism is great, You are either always right or pleasently suprised.

   I hate it when you hang out with MC Hammer, and he never lets you touch anything

   has heard that love makes the world go round... but so does tequila!

   put my purse on the passenger seat and the passenger seatbelt light came on. Think it's time to clean out my purse??

   such a beautiful day, not a sky in the clouds!!

   a little voice inside of me that telling me to lose weight. I just shut him up with about 4 cookies.

   I think the sudden stardom of Justin Bieber marks the beginning of the apocalypse.

   wifes cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.

   Life is full of up's & down's, so UP the music & DOWN the Tequila

   My neighbor put up his Christmas lights today. I bet he's pissed that I beat him to it. I put mine up three years ago.

   Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.

   Don't forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.

   They should put Prince on the $20 bill and call it $19.99... It's "The bill formerly known as a twenty."

   can operate a robot on another planet, but yet I'm still struggling to get this vending machine to take my wrinkled dollar.

   According to the customer service, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.