Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*

   9 of 10 voices in my head telI me I 'm crazy. One hums ...

   Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.

   I'm rarely wrong, I mean mistaken.

   ME: "Hello, Front Desk, Can I get a wakeup call please?" FRONT DESK: "You're 37, unemployed, single, and haven't saved a penny for retirement" ME: "Thanks"

   Twitter..the Walmart of social media.

   Can't believe people still go to the gym when they can just post it as their status and go have ice cream instead.

   I thought I was starting to miss you, but it turned out to be just a prescription mixup.

   I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.

   I would let my daughter date an Edmonton Oiler cause I know they can't score.

   If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you're going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you're not.

   Take me seriously at your own risk.

   Free middle fingers for everyone!!!

   If love is a battlefield then I keep dying in basic training.

   so what's up with these people in Pakistan getting stoned to death? What kind of weed are they growing there?

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.

   I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."

   The buttons on my jeans have started Social Distancing from each other.