Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pig: (noun) 1. Animal used for converting plants into bacon.

   Police always seem disappointed when they realize those bits of foil on the floor of my car are just old Hersheys Kiss wrappers not drugs.

   To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.

   Pfft, you are seeking advice from a fortune cookies. Go ahead and listen to your cookies if you want, everybody knows the real advice comes from the Taco Bell Sauce packs.

   A baby-sitter is a teenager acting like an adult while the adults are out acting like teenagers

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   Black Friday is Americas version of running with the bulls

   I don't care how old I am. If I lose my mother in a super market I'm going to panic.

   I wished I was in a gang so I'd know what to do with my hand in pictures

   Why do baby clothes have pockets?

   Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds. There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

   wishing everyone a happy holiday. If your not sure what holiday it is just google March 14th.

   Why can't we drop all the hyphens and just be Americans?

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera

   McDonald's is like unprotected sex for your heart... So awesome.

   First big snow fall of the season and the TV news is acting like the terrorism threat levels just moved up a spot or two.

   If you say "beer can" with a British accent, you can say "bacon" with a Jamaican accent.

   This Crazy lady with Mad Road rage was yelling out her window at me Today.. "I'm gonna make your life a living hell" ...I yelled back, "Thanks but I'm not looking for a relationship right now."

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   My friend told me not to say anything about his new girlfriends lazy eye, so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her normal one.