life Funny Status Messages

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line???

   Some people live one life, then tweet another.

   My therapist told me I should take life more seriously. I told him HE should, shmake shmife shmore shmeriously.

   im gonna try to improve my life .....↑↑↓↓← →← →B A START ....no it didnt work

   Still haven't answered my life's calling... I've always just assumed it dialed the wrong number.

   I don't have an entitlement problem. I have a problem with not getting everything I want out of life.

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   My life's great I'm just missing that significant other

   Funny how the greatest threat to a human being's life on earth can be traced right back to a fellow human being.

   My parents told me I wasn't a planned child...That explains why my life isn't going according to plan!

   Having high standards increases your quality of life and decreases the bullsh*t in your life!

   Mann life would be so much easier if we just generated all of our food into farts and never had to poop..

   I'm at the stage in my life where I answer the door for deliveries in boxers b/c nothing matters anymore.

   What happens if you choke to death on a Life Saver?

   When life Knocks you down, calmly get up, smile, and say " You hit like a Bi&ch"

   I don't use Facebook. Trying to convince people that my life is better than theirs by announcing every insignificant event looks exhausting.

   Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I'm not perfect and don't live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean

   Doctors say that one piece of bacon takes 7 minutes off of your life. That has to be most delicious form of suicide.

   Sunglasses allow an individual to stare at people without them knowing. It is Facebook in real life.

   My wife was choking so I quickly googled "how to save a life" Was a good song to drown out the noise she was making.