Funny Status Messages

   I'm glad there's an "international" sign for choking, because a foreign speaker might think you were just wildly signaling for a turtleneck.

   Whenever I say the word "exercise", I wash my mouth out with pie!

   needs beer and a violent redhead with handcuffs

   Someday i'll live in my OWN basement!

   Time to get white girl wasted,scream wooo at strangers, cry in a bathroom,take a pic in said bathroom flashing a gang sign & call it a night

   Why does your need to pee intensify by a million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house?

   Ladies: that blood curdling scream you just heard was my warrior cry and definitely had nothing to do with a bee chasing me.

   As a responsible parent, I like to teach my kids that it's not the person you hate...it's their guts!

   Congratulations to Iggy Pop who has managed to find a way to look great for his age and terrible for his age at the same time.

   My wife hates it when I drink. Or breathe.

   You can't control random.

   according to my wife, the only time I've ever been right was when I said I was wrong...

   The key to forgiving somebody is to remember that not everyone is perfect like you.

   The first rule of Marriage Club is there will be a million new rules once you join Marriage Club.

   If you're going to take me on a date to a karaoke bar, we better have sex before we go because I'm going to leave you there.

   I've reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."

   I stopped listening when you said "No."

   I've just had a letter back from Screwfix. They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.

   Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!

   Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.