Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life would be easier if Kleenex just made shirt sleeves.

   How much would it suck if your name was really "Ed Hardy"?

   ..this warm weather brings out the worst in people. Like B.O.,unkept feet and whale thongs . Shudder.

   a single father of about 4 million kids swimming around fighting to make it to their mother's egg

   People in cars cause accidents. Accidents in cars cause people.

   Remember when the terrorist had the bomb in his shoe? That's the reason why we've gotta take our shoes off at airport security now. This most recent terrorist had the bomb in his underwear. Enjoy your flights - I'm going commando now...

   According to greek mythology, humans were originally created with 4 arms, 4 legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.

   Remember the 3 golden rules: 1. It was like that when I got here. 2. I didn't do it. 3. (To your Boss) I like your style.

   I can kiss better then I can cook

   You know when you are on Facebook too much when you get your paycheck after taxes then you put "dislike" on it.

   Due to flooding, my kid's school is closed. Pffft. In my day, we swam to school–uphill–both ways.

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.

   I don't want to sound like I'm bragging or anything, but this is the fifth end of the world I've survived.

   I hate when people use useless expressions like, 'Needless to say.' 'Needless to say, we had a terrific time tonight.' Needless to say? Then don't say it. 'Well, it goes without saying.' Then shut up.

   Lawyers talk how Doctors write.

   Money can't buy you happiness. But I'd rather be unhappy in a Bentley.

   People say you can't live without love... I think oxygen is more important

   The Pizza Delivery Guy said "Thank you" but his face said: "Porn really, really lied to me about what this job was like."

   Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.