Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Two winners for mega millions. One in Indiana and one in Michigan. I hope they both lose their tickets in the snow!

   going to call you a half-wit, but I didn't want to tell a half-truth...

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Topless pictures of the Royal Family don't shock me as much as pictures of them doing manual labor would

   Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.

   No, my friend, you may not borrow a condom because the word borrow implies that you plan to return it.

   DATING TIP: never reveal how many cats you have.

   I'm too old to die young, so I have that going for me.

   My dad carries pictures of me and my brother where his money used to be.

   Ive learned one thing from watching zombie movies. Rednecks will survive

   Relationships should be like flying... You should only be allowed one carry-on and all other baggage should be checked at the door...

   I keep trying to find love on all the wrong websites.

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   So when a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

   Today I am thankful for the 5th dentist who overcame extreme prejudice by defiantly standing against the other 4 dentists and chose NOT to recommend sugarless gum for his patients who chewed gum.

   If my dog could talk, I think he'd say, "I don't appreciate it when you tell me that there's a squirrel outside, when there clearly isn't."

   Every Taylor Swift song sounds like a long drawn out Facebook status

   Excuse me, Santa, but I still haven't received the first "ho" you promised me.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   This waking up and doing stuff seems like a thing we have to put up with for quite a while.