Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a time and a place for non-alcoholic beer. Never, and down the drain.

   Why do they still use smoke to singal the pope vote? Don't they have a twitter account now?

   When I was six, my dad threw me into the pool thinking I would instantly learn to swim. I probably would if it had water in it.

   Met Taylor Swift at the airport this morning and complimented her on her dress. Now she's sitting in a tree outside my window in a wedding dress with a guitar..... This can't be good!!!

   The purpose of this status is to let you know that I have nothing to say, but that's not gonna stop me from saying it....

   Abracadabra!! Nope. Your still a fucktard.

   The saddest people in the world always seem to be the nicest.

   if you want to visit a graveyard this Halloween just log into myspace!

   Remember how simple and happy life was before you met me? Yeah…I am sorry about that.

   The harder you fall..... the higher you bounce!!

   No matter what your Chinese symbol tattoo says... I'm going to assume the translation is: "Please think I'm cool."

   Does anyone remember when gas was $1.09? Yeah neither do I.

   Your girlfriend is Rated E for "EVERYONE"

   One of God's greatest pranks would be to leave Rihanna behind as the 'only girl in the world' on saturday.

   If there is any time to pay attention, it is while typing grandfather clocks into an image search.

   I found out today that you could group your friends on Facebook and name the group whatever you want, however I didn't know it would send the people notificati​ons saying that I added them to the, "People I've screwed" group. Really sorry guys.

   No need to build a wall. Just have Rosie O'Donnell lay down on the Mexican/American border.

   To all the horny female teachers out there. There are grown men who will gladly let you sexually abuse them. . .

   ...... No people ... the change in governmental administrations is not a sane reason to descend into a real life "Hunger Games" in this country .... Believe it or not it has actually happened before!!

   My status updates are now 100% fake news-free!* (*actual percentages may vary.)