Funny Status Messages

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story of a group of grains that could have become beer but didn’t.

   They might want to put a picture of that airplane on a milk carton.

   Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,... why don't you ever smile in my pictures?

   I think money attracts the females you want, struggle attracts the woman you need..

   Drivers are being told to stay off the roads. Lucky for me, I am in a ditch

   A guy outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I told him, I feel like it would take longer than that

   I bet the worst person to have negotiating you down from a ledge would be the members of Van Halen.

   maybe Tom Brady destroyed his phone because there were pics of Brett farves junk

   Happy anniversary to the love of my life, and her husband Steve.

   I got my son a stripper for his birthday. My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day he turns 4.

   Right before I die, I'm getting my hand stamped,,,,, Just in case I wanna come back in again.

   I like when a woman tries to shove 210 pounds in a 135 pound dress because I used to bag groceries and admire that level of conviction.

   If you ain't ugly in the morning, then you didn't do it right last night!

   Son: "Dad, can you write in the dark?" Dad: "Uh, I think so, why?" Son: "I need you to sign my report card."

   That terrifying moment; when you rub your eyes for too long and you go blind for like 10 seconds.

   You're in love and I couldn't be happier for you. But can you let go of each others hands for four seconds so I can get past you on the f*ckin sidewalk?"

   Early to bed, early to rise, while your girlfriend does other guys.

   I have a feeling his life would have gone in a different direction had his name been Kanye East.

   If at first you don't succeed, buy her another beer.

   There are only two types of honest people in this world.....small children and drunk people.