Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ? The dog, of course; He'll shut up once you let him in.

   I was just brushing my teeth and putting on deodorant when out of nowhere I hear "you're gonna have to pay for that"............this walmart sucks!

   "It didn't make him stronger" - My gravestone, prolly..

   Dear Fellow Americans,,, Can't we just all agree to write in "literally anyone else" on our ballots this November?

   Latest Galllup Presidential Poll: Hillary Clinton's body double is now polling higher than Jill Stein.

   The most contentious part of the Brangelina divorce will be who gets custody of Ethiopia.

   Hillary says she takes national security very serious. So how the hell did wikileaks get those classified emails then?

   I know my clothes are on the floor, I'm a guy, That's where I hang them.

   Appropriately, Gaddaffi was killed by a rebel fighter standing in the sunroof of a VW van.

   Ok, who left the bag of idiots open??

   The best things in life make you sweaty.

   Today you should prank call your single guy friends using google voice to change the number and tell them you are calling from the Maury Povich show.

   "When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when you're freeing sad, post it on facebook so I can enjoy your misfortune."

   I like to take a day off every now and then to create the illusion of a real life.

   Just heard Sandusky's on suicide watch. I'm checking ticket prices.

   I'm never sure how much ball cleavage to show when I wear my Casual Friday Jean Shorts.

   Sadness in its purest form....going to a bbq and instead of beer you find soda, kids, pinwheels, and bubbles.

   Sometimes I feel like I'm a Fruit Loop in a bowl full of Cheerios.

   I am not into running, but if they ever hold a 50 foot run where they serve beer at the end, I am in.

   Just when I'm about to bang the girl of my dreams....I wake up.......everytime