life Funny Status Messages

   Some of life's best lessons are learned while watching your drunk friends.

   Porn has ruined my life. My toilet is blocked and I'm too scared to call the plumber :(

   To block the annoying person's status updates, or keep them around because their horrible personal life is entertaining?!?!

   Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...

   "Sex is life"... I want you to make me immortal.

   my life's story is too far different from yours so please stop questioning and judging me

   Glad the Facebook redesign helped distract you from everything actually wrong with your life

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   I thought a friend said, "you should get a life." I replied "F**k you!" He explained that he actually said, "you should get a WIFE." My reply stayed the same.

   The first 10 years of a girl's life is spent playing with barbies & the next 10 years are spent trying to look like one

   If whatever happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, then the life of someone who lives there must become a void once they leave town.

   If life's a b!tch... Why do I have to make my own sandwhich?

   I'm that guy that will add you as a friend on Facebook and then not talk to you the next time I see you in real life.

   Some people are like fast food…they never look as good in real life as they do on TV.

   I don’t have one junk drawer anymore. I’m 46, I have a junk life.

   Fauci spent 50 years of his life studying viruses, just so he could trick rednecks into wearing paper masks. That was his career goal all along. Don't believe anything else.

   Someone asked me what is there to look forward to in life after becoming a grandfather. I said, "Smelling like mothballs."

   #Life tip: if someone comes out of a #bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.

   We might be best friends for life, but if we get chased by zombies, I will probably trip you. :)

   Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.