Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   May your coffee kick in before reality does.

   Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.

   Mama Bear: The porridge is ready Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours

   “That’ll be 14 thousand dollars please” -Veterinarians

   My back has gone out more than I have this year.

   The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.

   Just checked my bank account and it looks like everyone is getting text messages for Christmas.

   “once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like “once my kids clean their rooms.”

   I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.

   STDs are not Pokémon, you don’t have to catch them all, Kim Kardashian.

   I hate when people say "Well, it could have been worse." Well you know what, Becky? It could have been a hell of a lot better too!

   I just heard someone call an e-cigarette a "douche flute." Now my life is complete.

   A haunted house that has a room where a bunch of women ask you "Notice anything different about my hair?"

   I went to a gender reveal party yesterday and was immediately told to put my clothes back on...

   In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid "If you don't stop fussing I'm gonna make you spend christmas with this man" and then points at me causing him to cry harder

   If you put away the clean laundry on the same day that you wash it, I feel like that’s what you should lead with on your resume.

   Seeing a Camel Toe on a pair of leopard-print tights in Wal-mart is as close as I will ever get to going on an African safari.

   My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.

   You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

   Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don't want to have to redo the math themselves.