Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *Public Service Announcement: YOU CAN NOT find out who saw your profile! Jordan does NOT make high heels! YOU WILL NOT know what that man saw when he walked in on his daughter! YOU WILL NOT see pics of Osama Bin Laden's dead body! There are NO free iPads!

   She said "Harder!" I did that. She said "Faster!" I did that. She said "Deeper!" I philosophized.

   Why are the people who tell you to calm down always the ones who pissed you off in the first place?

   It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

   BBC NEWS: 8 suicide bombers blow themselves up killing at least 2 people. Now my maths isn't that great but surely there's a minimum of 8 people killed there.

   When you have 1 kid ur a parent....when you have 2 ur a referee

   WARNING: If you can read this, then you are too close to procrastinating.

   Spell check... it's impotent

   Roaches must be so pissed that they aren't ruling the world yet.

   OH NICE, so you can update your status via mobile, but you can't text me back?

   don't you just hate it when your mobile rings during a meeting and you have to wake up??!

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   I'm fairly certain that most of us are one full gas tank away from bankruptcy.

   When I'm getting it on with two or three women, I have to really slow things down so I don't get too excited and accidentally wake up.

   gonna wear a Charlie Brown costume this Halloween and give everyboby who comes to my door a ROCK.

   Cookie Monster has probably kidnapped a ton of girl scouts.

   I don't often use violence on my coworkers. But when I do, I prefer the pimp slap. Stay frosty my friends.

   So Facebook is coming out with a new software that uses facial recongnition to automatically tag all pictures posted. Something tells me "drunken loser" will have the most tags ever.

   Scars remind us of where we've been, they don't have to dictate where were going