Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I started homeschooling today. So far two students are suspended and the teacher was fired for drinking on the job...

   You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

   I’ve noticed many people are much more attractive wearing a mask.

   Well… This is one way to get Mexico to build that wall

   Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.

   Are all the non essential oils out of work now?.

   My girlfriend was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that.

   Wow. Hard to believe in only a month my wife and daughters will be returning the gifts I bought them.

   All I want for Christmas is you ...... Just kidding I want Money

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   Everything I know about electricity I learned from watching my drunk friends do home repairs.

   My Life Coach just told me that I've been in the placebo group. FML.

   Would people still go to the gym if Instagram didn't exist?

   when you drop your iphone, remember that's gravity that makes the apple fall

   I went to church and a very nice man walked up to me and offered me a whole plate of money. I didn't want to be rude, so I took some of it (like, twenty bucks), and I told him to donate the rest to a charity.

   What the lottery really is.. "Hey guys, lets pool all our money together and make someone a millionaire!!

   I told my psychiatrist that I've been hearing voices. He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

   I've started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.

   My doctor thinks I'm paranoid. He didn't say it, but I knew that's what he was thinking

   If you don't remember her name in the morning, take her to Starbucks.