Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My neighbor knocked on my door at 2am this morning and said, "Yo, I can't fcking sleep." "Well it's your lucky day," I said, "I've got a party going on in here, come in."

   n't it about time The Kardashian's have an STD Named after them ?

   Do these sweatpants and 5 extra pounds make me look like I'm in a relationship?

   Facebook. Why are you trying to lure me into people's problems?

   I'm bored. I think I'll go to WalMart, find a great parking spot and sit in the truck with my reverse lights on for awhile

   So you say you’re fat because you had children. What did they taste like?

   I get my daily dose of vegetables by eating animals who eat vegetables

   People who still have their popcorn when movies starts: your self-control disgusts me and I'll never party with you jerks.

   Remember,,, your odds of winning Powerball are much lower than being hit by a car. Especially if I'm driving and see you in line for a ticket.

   My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it's not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby's ankle.

   Just when you want to be a good person again , someone new to stalk shows up.

   I do not like being told what to do unless I'm naked!

   not quite feeling myself today. I'm going to see if booze helps...

   keep scrolling... I got nothing!!

   The best kind of love is experienced when the person who touches your ass also touches your heart.

   Just because someone says, I love you, doesn't automatically mean they love just you.

   If you judge a book by it's cover, you are likely going to miss out on a great story!

   I hope that James Earl Jones will be narrating the rapture.....

   Wow, Paul McCartney got married again?! Really seems like this relationship has legs.

   I'm wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that.