Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not saying that you and your girlfriend are unatractive, but when you two got into that physical altercation at the bar, every single person there immediately called PETA except for Michael Vick and that's only because he had already wagered on her

   They need to make some people's mouth like a cell phone plan. When their Mouth Minutes run out, they shut up for the rest of the month....until they pay to talk to you.

   My veterinarian is also a taxidermist and has a sign on his office door reading,"Either Way, You Get Your Dog Back!"

   People have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and pinning the tail on the donkey – but I bet everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, every time.

   Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

   Smile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.

   I have a solution for Health care Reform--cut the politicians pay by 7/8, eliminate their health insurance and tell them to deal with it!

   Would like like to thank all the women that lowered their standards and went out with me on a date.

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   Politicians should be made to wear NASCAR suits so we can tell who their sponsors are.

   The lies....the deceit...the broken promises....These movies on Lifetime really bug me...Hey wait....My bad...It's a political commercial!!!!!

   Ladies, my lost and found box is getting full. So, if you're missing an earring, silk scarves, lingerie or a prosthetic leg....let me know.

   MONDAY: Mentally Overworked, Nauseated, Dysfunctional And Yucky

   Dear Lord, Please give us back Leslie Neilson and will let you have Justin Beiber, Richard Simmons, or Snooki......your pick

   Sometimes I think the world would be much better off without so much technology. - Sent from my iPhone

   New Year's eve practice tonight

   Sometimes the birthday reminders on Facebook remind me of the friends I need to delete.

   Some women talk way too much. Sometimes I wish they can run out of minutes like cell phones. Her - "Let me tell you something else..." You - "Haha, You can only talk on nights and weekends now!"

   Can see into the future. I predict the most popular status update on Jan. 1st will be something to do with people being "hungover"

   Life is a beach, i'm just playing in the sand.