Funny Status Messages

   I like It when you smile...................... But I Love It When I'm The Reason.

   Women are SO lucky! They get fat, they get big boobs, we get fat, our wiener just looks small.

   Wondering If I can get a clock that tells woman time. You know, "be back in a minute"=1-2hours. " be right there"=anywhere between 25 to 45 minutes. and of course the imfamous, "Lets just stop by and say hi."= 6hours plus. And last but not least, "just

   I hate the way cats stare like they got something on you.

   I can't wait until Weight Watchers comes out with a beer.

   I am starting my diet and exercise program next Monday – I am tired of looking like I ATE four children instead of like I HAVE four children…

   No, No Darling , you 're not promiscuous , you're just a slut

   Sometimes you have to cook ur own food and jerk off in front of your girl to show her that she can be replaced.

   If I've learned anything from 50 Shades of Grey, its that women still haven't figured out you can watch porn at home... for free.

   Nice selfie, I love the way the light brings out the bat sh*t crazy psycho in your eyes.

   If I drove a UPS truck there's a 100% chance I would fall out of the truck when I turned corners

   When you are dead, you don't know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.

   I never understood why they call them "Smart Cars"...Anyone willing to drive a padded shopping cart on the freeway in a Fisher Price toy doesn't meet my criteria of "smart".

   The iPad 3 can s@ck my d!ck! No, really, they just announced that as a feature!

   Idk what it is about this morning but I'm feeling really homy... Did you read that wrong too?

   What occupies the last 6 pages of the Chrysler Car User's Manual? The bus and train schedules....

   The world will be a much better place if everybody took a chill pill... It would be even better if some of them choked on it.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   Happy 13th Birthday Google... I hope you find what you've been searching for ; )