Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   no terrorist, but he has blown up his underwear a time or two.

   drinks beer to keep people employed

   Love is photogenic...it needs darkness to develop."

   currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!!

   I'm fed up with my brain remembering crap I'd like to forget and forgetting crap I'd like to remember!

   Got up this morning and thought 'it looks nice out'....so I'll leave it out.

   It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

   Just before I die I'm going to get my hand stamped in case I want to come back in.

   While driving saw a woman smoking in her Prius...obviously she doesn't see the irony!

   The thing about unreliable people is that they are very consistent at what they do.

   Star Wars: A very long time ago but somehow still in the future

   wishes he could start everyday running through a paper wall into the kitchen with the gladiators theme tune playing full blast.

   Woke up and found Facebook sucks even more today then it did yesterday. Good Job !

   just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places

   I didn't say it was the best sex I ever had,I said you did your best.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.

   What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!

   Thinking about getting a tattoo of an arrow pointing to my farmer tan that reads "I work"

   Apparently if you have my good looks and go to a nude beach everyone gets jealous and they make you put your clothing back on.

   Breaking News: Nancy Grace calls in sick for work...