Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the heck up". And now we wonder why so many kids feel like they need everything...

   Actors in movies kiss each other for like 10 seasons and don't fall in love but when someone likes my profile pic, I think about it for like 5 months.

   St Patrick's Day taught me a valuable lesson, I'm not young enough to drink anymore.

   Every time I'm about to win an argument with my wife, someone wakes me up. .

   3 things I don't like: 1. Focusing on things I don't like 2. Lists 3. Irony

   Patience is what I have when there are too many witnesses.

   I think I just saw the Mucinex family walking out of Wal-Mart.

   Period pains? Try having a b0ner in jeans....

   What I learned from the Grammys: Lady Gaga SILL terrifies me, Beyonce apparently has seizures while performing, Taylor Swift has some VERY adult teeth in her teen-aged mouth, & Lil Wayne was lookin like a fool with his pants on the ground!

   thinks that they should change the name of Starbucks to Fivebucks

   There needs to be free birth control handed out at welfare offices...agreed??

   Prank: Have 10 friends call the same phone # for a week & ask for Jim. Then call it yourself & say “this is Jim, do I have any messages?”

   There are going to be so many Snookis this year for Halloween. I think I will dress up as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.

   Mexican word of the day: Nacho, Hillary Clinton is Nacho President!

   Everytime I enter a Plane I gotta ask the Arab sitting next to me if he Got plans for tomorrow.

   i don’t understand why people need to do drugs or party in order to have fun, have you tried mac n cheese

   Think about this. Somebody in the world right now couldn't imagine life without you. That alone should give you the strength to smile.

   I propose that we abolish marriage and engage in 3 year contracts instead, with the option for renewal.

   That moment when you are so drunk that you swerve to miss a tree but then you realize its just an air freshener hanging in your car.

   I fell off the bed in the middle of it and she yelled "5 second rule" and kept doing it. I think I'm in love...