Funny Status Messages

   Every gift from a child is special. Except for this, pine cone #763. I could really do without that.

   Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.

   Kids these days call it "Pokemon Go" I used to call it "dropping a little too much acid and chasing the neighborhood cat around".

   Wish the girls who rejected me in High School could see how many Pokemon I've caught.

   Some woman just gave me a hard time for smoking my whole life. She said if I didn't smoke, I could afford a Maserati. I asked her if she ever smoked and she said, "Never." I go, "Where's your Maserati?"

   Miss Teen USA Karlie Hay says using racial slurs online was a "careless mistake." And promises to only use them privately from now on.

   [inventor of the piano] Tables are too quiet.

   The best part about the Olympics is pretending I know what half these sports are.

   According to Facebook, Jaden Smith has committed suicide 11 times in the last week.

   Heading out for a weekend camping trip. Anybody know the WiFi password for "the woods"?

   Can you please color code your meltdowns so we can keep up?

   If you can't say something nice, go write a YouTube comment.

   Guy in the restroom called me "pretty" and the best comeback I could think of was "yeah you too."

   The worst thing about insomnia is discovering all the new hours of the day that you're hungry.

   Me: this Weight Watchers candy is amazing.... Friend: that's just an upside down M&M

   If one of your life goals is to fight with someone about how to load a dishwasher, may I suggest marriage.

   Parenting is 25% aggravation,,, and 90% being confused by their math homework.

   You can sell your left over weight watchers points on ebay.

   In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group selfie photo.

   Well well well teddy bear at CVS not looking so smug now that you're 75% off.