Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   loves the smell of a home-cooked breakfast...mmmm bacon...now how do I get that smell in my house?

   if you take a shot and yell "cinco de mayo!" its a celebration. If you take a shot and yell "Wednesday!" its an intervention

   The law says I can't drive with an open container, but it says nothing about jello shots!!

   If idle hands are the Devil's Playground than Facebook is a full blown amusement park.

   Tip this cab driver $5 he continued staring at me like I was going to give him more with his hand open, I took my $5 back, the tip is be grateful and stop being greedy

   A bachelor is a man who comes to work each morning from a different direction.

   Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.

   .... Enjoying music is like eating candy .... The first thing you do is get rid of the Rapper ....

   Farmer plows the field. Farmer doesn't even stay for breakfast, stops returning the field's calls.

   Every time I start to feel happy I remember the shingles virus is already inside me.

   Ladies, it's not a birth month or even a birth week. It's a birthday. You get to celebrate one f'n day, ok?

   The only way the Democrats would do away with Obamacare would be if it required a photo ID to get it.

   Here's a thought. The next time a criminal is told to stop by the police, he should take a knee instead of trying to run away.

   Does it bother anyone else when you here someone say, "I axe him"

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   The best gift of all, is freedom and health. Merry Christmas

   If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.

   She just needs a shot of vitamin D.

   Michael Moore joined a protest against Trump colluding with Russians, and now we know the protest was organized by Russians

   It takes a brave man to admit he's wrong. It takes a braver man to not delete the original comment.