Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A statement on the entrance to a graveyard: This place is full of people who thought that the world can't do without them.

   It should no longer be cranberry sauce, it is cranberry jell-o... Sauce does not retain the shape of the can

   Seriously, I put seriously at the beginning of the sentence to make me sound more serious even when I'm not.

   They said not to sniff markers, but then they made scented ones...

   Just signed all my Facebook friends up for free samples of Astroglide. Happy Holidays!

   Note to self: If you ever accidentally bump into a person who looks just like the young woman who starred in "Precious", do not ask her if she's the young woman who starred in "Precious"....Geeeeeez

   Patience is not a virtue, its a waste of time.

   They say money doesn't buy happiness.....I am guessing you're shopping at the wrong store...

   Given how much lint I pull out of the lint trap in my dryer, why aren't my clothes dissolving faster?

   Confucious says Some Sex Is Good...More Is Better...Too Much Is Just About Right

   My biggest fear used to be getting sick and dying, now it's of me dropping my cell phone in the toilet.

   I wish I was you so I could hang around with me

   You're not “alternative” by choice; you were rejected by the mainstream.

   When the Spice Girls chose their "Spicy" alter-ego nicknames, the girl with the biggest boobs should have chosen to go by Spice Rack.

   Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.

   drinking. I have my cellphone on me and it has facebook on it. I appoligize in advance and will delete my wall posts as soon as I wake up.

   My biggest problem is that I believe almost everything I tell myself.

   ™ is a registered trademark. All unauthorized reproduction and distribution will lead to prosecution.

   If you think chocolate is better than sex,you really need to find that special someone. If you have already met someone special and STILL believe it,i seriously need to know what kind of chocolate you're eating!

   not bitter. I'm just unsweetened...