Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do I need to pee on you to mark my property? Cause I will.

   I have reached that point of my day where no more productivity is possible...

   I don't mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they'd use the part behind me.

   To all you that think you can sing and/or rap. You can't. Signed: everyone.

   Scavenger hunt time! Find a parent in Walmart who looks happy to be a parent.

   If the driving ability of people on the road today is any indicator of the future of society, we are doomed.

   I don't need drugs to have a good time, but I do need them to get through any family functions.

   Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I'm about to be murdered.

   Ugh....... I can never decide which color of shower puff is the most gangster.

   Why aren't you women happy like the ones in the tampon commercial?

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   When a woman says "the girls" I automatically assume she is talking about her boobs, not her actual friends.

   Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

   I'm old enough to remember when a car on the back of a tow truck meant transmission problem rather than repossession problem.

   What a beautiful world it would be if only boobs were the answer to all the world's problems.

   Everytime a girl tells me she doesn't feel good I squeeze her boob and call her a liar.

   It's amazing how alcohol can make you do so many stupid things on your smart phone.

   For the first time in History, the average Canadian is now wealthier than the average American! Don't be discouraged though, this just gives us the option to borrow money from someone else now!!!

   I just violated myself in the shower. I didn't want to but rules are rules and I did drop the soap after all.

   George Jefferson is dead!........''Moving on up to that apt. in the sky!!!'' R.I.P.