Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?

   Before social media, what did people who desperately crave attention do? Did they have to contribute something of importance to humankind?

   I know Fall is getting close because the squirrels are wearing Uggs and demanding pumpkin spice lattes.

   They were totally out of coloring books at the adult book store again.

   That moment when you want to hit on the bank teller but realize she'll see your bank account balance

   I hope the guy who stole my Debit Card enjoys his $12.69 shopping spree.

   what are we gonna post after the election.. no material.

   Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.

   This goes out to the person who thought of the idea to put stickers on each and every piece of fruit. "Nobody like's your idea"

   I saw the pictures you posted of your baby at the pumpkin patch and I felt nothing.

   Considering a Kickstarter campaign to gather the capital needed to start my line of heavy metal sandwich shops: Pantera Bread.

   Be nice to overweight people. They have a lot on their plate.

   A fun prank for Halloween is to train your dog to sit and growl at the padlocked closet as your guests arrive

   Kinda jealous how a rooster starts his day by screaming his head off, and we are all okay with that

   I keep my credit cards in the refrigerator so they stay fresh past their expiration dates

   Cinderella is really a creepy story once you realize she had some odd foot deformity that meant no one else in the kingdom could wear her slipper

   Behind every beautiful song is a person who really shouldn't sing it out loud in public

   Ran out of post-it notes, now I don't know how to remind myself to buy more.

   It's safe to assume that more pubes are shaved on February 13th than any other day of the year

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.