life Funny Status Messages

   high on life... and glue

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   Man life is a bi+ch..why couldn't it be a slut? At least then it would be easy!

   You don't find the meaning of life, the meaning of life finds you.

   i wish hot people stalked my life instead of losers

   Treat your woman like you treat your smartphone: touch her often, stare at her, and make her the most important thing in your life.

   I think I could be with one woman for the rest of my life if there were no other women on earth.

   So I gave up bungee jumping for lent for the 6th year in a row. I've never gone... but I think I'd like to at some point in my life. Just can't do it right now. True story...

   Life must suck for the reporters that have to report on the Justin Bieber n-word story...

   I hate cyclists. You're driving along enjoying life then BAM! you're stuck driving 10mph behind some jerk with way nicer calves than you

   You can never trust anyone 100%. Suicide is proof that you can't even trust yourself with your own life.

   i was reading this article by Oprah and she said her life began at 50, I think what she meant is she weighed 50 pounds when she was born

   I think I'm ready for a man in my life again. I cleaned out one drawer...in the kitchen, two inches of hanger space...in the hall closet and enough room for one pair of shoes...on the porch.

   today I screwed in a lightbulb, crossed the road, and walked in to a bar ...my life is a joke

   Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should haved died in 1732.

   Just made up my own personal yoga pose called "Downward Life Spiral".

   Stop looking for things and people who you think will make your life perfect, and start looking for the things and people that make your life WORTH IT!

   Life is like p0rn. Much better when people stop talking.

   Most alcoholic beverages contain all 13 minerals necessary to sustain human life. Drink to your health!

   They say weed kills brain cells. I'm down to my last two. One is on life support and the other one is trying to pull the plug.