Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bruce Jenner wears a dress in public and Vanity Fair asks him for a photo shoot. I wear a dress in public and the police ask me for a breathalyzer.

   I keep seeing all these commercial on TV about working out and getting "ripped" in 90 days.. Give me a bottle of Jack Daniels and I'll get ripped in 15 minutes

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   The real problem with the upcoming election is one of them is going to win...

   Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!

   If you never seen it with your own eyes, or heard it with your own ears. Don't think it in your tiny brain, and spread it with your big mouth.

   I'm thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.

   Lonliness and alcohol are good friends, but on Valentine's day, they are best friends.

   If you're able to update your status saying you're drunk, you're clearly not drunk enough. I shouldn't be able to understand you.

   Ahh, the gift card. The polite way to say here's $20, go get your own damn gift.

   if you break a sweat walking to the buffet, maybe you don't need another plate...

   heard OPEC is changing its name to 'bend over, America'...

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice.

   I will never eat a foot long corn dog at the nude beach ever again

   Look at it this way; if the world's meant to end in 2012, at least you won't have to pay $10/gal for gas

   Oops....Apparently throwing fireworks at people in McDonald's parking lot & yelling Happy Cinco De Mayo is frowned upon : (

   FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.

   I wonder where Harold Camping is hiding these days? Is he counting the millions of $$$ he scammed from his followers? He's a disgrace to the human race.

   The fake laugh you do when you don't understand what somebody just said to you. You're like :D but deep inside you're like o_O

   You'd be surprised at all of the "that's what she said" jokes you can make if you watch 5 minutes of a little kids show.