Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only turkey I'll be having on Thursday most likely is the wild kind, on the rocks

   If your on a dating website and didn't post a picture of yourself. It should be mandatory to disclose the amount of teeth you will show up with in you mouth on the first date.

   I somehow managed to get chocolate inside my shoe. And somehow mustered the bravery to figure out it was chocolate.

   Like Superman, I have a Fortress of Solitude. But mine flushes.

   I really think iPhone owners fake not knowing stuff just so they can bust out their phones to look it up.

   There's no sexual Carfax report. This seems like something we should be working on. It would take online dating to a whole new level.

   It's great when I find out that some girl that used to be a b*tch to me in high school is just some random guys' baby mama now.

   I don't know about you but I always go a couple pieces deep when I grab a couple slices of bread from the loaf.

   Thank God pistachios have those shells to slow me down because the only thing stopping me from eating twelve pounds of them is that there aren't enough hours in the day.

   Zombies make the best boyfriends; they love you for your brain, not your body...

   The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music

   hates when people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn Right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

   Everybody starts out with a full bag of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before the luck runs out.

   A woman is a highly developed, deeply intelligent, infinitely complicated being. And it needs to be carefully tricked into doing things.

   would be more willing to accept people for who they are if they were more like how I wanted them to be.

   anyone who says 'money can't buy happiness' has never been broke.

   Just read the thermo stat and it read "Stay in the f*cking house"

   Men Play The Game, Women Know The Score.

   I don't think of it as a mess... I just think it's nice having everything I own in plain sight and within easy reach at all times!

   Why dont you slip into something more comfortable... Like a coma!