Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m working from home. But as a bartender.

   I saw a hipster wearing socks because it’s so cold.

   The people that are trying to make the world worse never take a day off, why should I? Light up the darkness.

   Now that the government has re-opened I guess I have to stop removing these mattress tags

   Word of the Day: Intaxication - That brief period of euphoria you feel between receiving a tax refund and then realizing it was your money to begin with.

   This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.

   Why does Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell insurance. Is there something dirty about insurance we should know about?

   Was wondering...when you have a mandatory meeting at work, why do the presenters always thank you for being there?

   Too many of environmentally friendly philosophers in the world and not enough people willing to bend over to pick up a piece of garbage.

   I don't care how important you think you are. You should do what you learned in kindergarten and be patient and wait your turn.

   When you're a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You've gotten so big since the last time I saw you!" As an adult, not so much.

   If we aren't supposed to be too close to the microwave then why do they show us food twirling around in there?

   Jerk chicken is just like regular chicken, but it drives a BMW and doesn't care about your feelings.

   I wonder when the CDC will recommend closing the southern border.

   For all those calling for "Fathers Day" to be called "Special Person's" day, you already have a day of your own. It's April 1st.

   87% of gym members don’t even know their gym is closed

   We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch

   I’m “you can only play video games on channel 3” years old.

   I wanted you, but couldn't find the cheat codes to the game you playing.

   Brain? encased in hard skull. Heart and lungs? protected by a thick bony cage. Balls? just hanging there, waiting to be smashed